Preheat your oven to 325°F (163°C). This is not optional, people.
Take your ham out of its packaging and give it a quick rinse. Pat dry with paper towels. Judge it silently for being naked.
Place the ham cut-side down on the rack in your roasting pan. If your ham came with a little plastic cap on the bone end, remove it—it's not a fashion statement.
Cover the ham tightly with aluminum foil. This is essentially ham tucking-in time.
Bake for about 15 minutes per pound, until the internal temperature reaches 120°F (49°C). For an 8-pound ham, that's about 2 hours of you pretending you slaved away in the kitchen.
While the ham is baking, make the glaze: In a medium saucepan, combine brown sugar, honey, mustard, vinegar, cloves, orange juice, cinnamon, and butter.
Bring the mixture to a simmer over medium heat, stirring occasionally until the sugar dissolves and everything comes together in a beautiful relationship. Add bourbon now if using.
Simmer for about 5 minutes until slightly thickened. It should coat the back of a spoon—or your finger if you're impatient (please let it cool first; I'm not liable for burned fingertips).
When the ham reaches 120°F, remove it from the oven, peel back the foil, and crank the heat to 400°F (204°C). It's glow-up time.
Brush the ham generously with about 1/3 of the glaze, making sure to get it in between those spiral slices. Get in there. Be thorough.
Return the ham to the oven, uncovered, for 15 minutes.
Apply another 1/3 of the glaze, return to the oven for 15 more minutes.
One last glaze application! Then back in for a final 15 minutes until beautifully caramelized and the internal temperature hits 140°F (60°C).
Remove from the oven and let rest for 15-20 minutes before serving. Use this time to accept compliments on your "hard work."
Serve with any remaining glaze on the side for those who want extra sweetness (you know who you are).